Breakups are hard, but let’s talk about a side of it that rarely gets enough attention: the judgment from friends and family. That feeling of embarrassment when you start telling people you're no longer with someone, especially if it was someone you were once deeply invested in. It’s a familiar, uncomfortable sensation that many of us can relate to.
The moment you start telling people your relationship is over, there’s a sense of finality. The weight of it hits harder when you share it with the people closest to you. I can't even begin to imagine what celebrities must feel when they have to issue some perfectly crafted, public-relations-approved breakup statement on Instagram. The pressure to be graceful, composed, and bulletproof while sharing such a deeply personal part of their lives… DEAR LORD. I would dieeee. Can you imagine? ESPECIALLY if it is not an amicable breakup! HELLLNOOOO.
It’s not just the personal loss of a relationship, it’s the loss of face. Suddenly, it feels like you’ve failed. The relationship you thought would last forever now feels like a failure. You feel the collective gaze of friends and family wondering: "What went wrong?" The judgment — real or imagined — seems inevitable. And then having to defend yourself and explain your interpretation of why things went wrong. And it’s not just from family members who know you well, but even from friends who may have heard about the relationship in passing, or seen how happy you once were. Now you have to explain why it didn’t work. Why things fell apart.
The Sense of Embarrassment
The embarrassment doesn’t just come from the breakup itself; it’s the overwhelming feeling that you’ve failed — failed as a partner, failed at making it work, failed in front of everyone who was rooting for you.
When you announce that a relationship is over, even if it was months of thought and self-reflection leading up to it, you can't shake the sense that you're standing on stage, naked in front of an audience, explaining why your performance didn’t live up to expectations. Whether it’s a marriage, a long-term partnership, or the casual guy you met last Thursday who you swore to your friends you’d be marrying by Spring, there’s a level of discomfort that feels almost universal. The embarrassment is so real.
But why is it that we feel so embarrassed? Why do we internalize the judgment of others, even when we know in our hearts that ending the relationship was the right decision? Why does it feel like we have to apologize for making a choice that’s better for our mental, emotional, or physical health?
The Weight of Judgement When Kids Are Involved
The worst part of all of this, perhaps, is when there are kids involved. When you have to face your family and friends to explain that your relationship has ended — and now it’s going to affect your children. That’s a whole new level of guilt and shame that people don’t always talk about. How do you explain to your parents, your extended family, or your friends that this decision was necessary for your well-being — and that of your children? The judgment feels palpable, like everyone is asking why you couldn’t make it work for them. The fear that others will look at you as “the person who broke up the family” is terrifying.
In those moments, you want to scream: I’m not breaking up the family. The family is broken, and I’m choosing to do what’s best for us moving forward. But instead, you often find yourself holding in your emotions and explaining over and over why you made the decision you did, trying to convince people that it was a choice made out of love, not failure.
The Pressure of Societal Expectations
Here’s where we need to start changing the conversation: why can’t we normalize leaving relationships that no longer serve us? Why do we continue to judge people who make the courageous decision to walk away from relationships that are unhealthy, unfulfilling, or even toxic? Instead of seeing the end of a relationship as a failure, we need to start viewing it as an opportunity for growth.
There’s this societal pressure that tells us we must stick it out, no matter how unhappy we are. Whether it's because of kids, finances, or the simple idea that "we’re supposed to make it work," we sometimes feel that leaving a relationship is the last thing we should do, even if it’s what’s best for us. But why do we assume that staying in something just for the sake of staying is always healthier or better? Isn’t it just as important to model self-respect, self-worth, and emotional honesty to our children, families, and communities?
Instead of judgment, we should be encouraging understanding. If we could embrace the idea that leaving a relationship — especially a long-term one — can be an act of self-care and a healthy choice, we could lessen the stigma around breakups. In fact, we should begin to view those who walk away from relationships that no longer work as brave, not as failures.
Moving Beyond Judgment
We have to remember that breakups are often the result of deep introspection, difficult decisions, and personal growth. It’s not about giving up or quitting. It’s about knowing when to let go of something that is no longer serving you, so you can make room for a healthier future.
Next time you find yourself facing the judgment of others after a breakup, I encourage you to take a deep breath and remember this: You are not defined by one relationship, and the end of one chapter does not mean the end of your story. And for those around you, remember that judgment doesn’t help anyone heal — kindness, empathy, and understanding do. Let’s create a culture where leaving a relationship is seen as a form of strength, not weakness, and where it’s okay to start over when something is no longer working.
The true failure would be staying in something that isn’t making you happy, and not giving yourself the opportunity to create the life and love you deserve. So, let go of the shame. Release the guilt. And most importantly, know that it’s okay to move on. It’s a sign of growth, not defeat.
xoxo,
Alejandra