Dating has always been an adventure for me. As someone who’s naturally inclined to take the lead, I’ve learned that my energy often attracts a specific type of man: one who isn’t comfortable taking charge. When I take charge, I end up with men who can’t or won’t. While this might seem harmless or even complementary at first glance, I’ve come to realize that it’s a recipe for frustration and imbalance in my relationships.
I once went on a date with a guy who seemed nice enough. He made plans for lunch—a promising start! When I arrived, he was waiting outside for me on a scorching summer day, it was hot AF. I introduced myself, and we walked in together to order food. He insisted on paying, which I appreciated. So far, so good. The conversation during lunch was pleasant enough. Nothing mind-blowing, but engaging.
After we finished eating, we were just sitting there. I suggested a walk. He agreed, and we left. As we started strolling, we reached the first intersection, and he turned to me and asked, “Which way should we go?” I laughed and said, “It’s an aimless walk. There’s no destination, so it doesn’t matter.” Yet, he insisted I choose. So, I picked a direction.
For the next five blocks, the same scene repeated. At every single intersection, he asked me, “Which way should we go?” Each time, I gave the same answer and made the decision. By this point, I was already making mental notes. I realized I was navigating this so-called aimless walk while he simply followed my lead. I tucked this observation away. Here’s a man who either lacks confidence in making simple choices or is so afraid of making the “wrong” one that he won’t even try.
When we came across a bench, I asked if he wanted to sit. He said yes, so we did. It was a sweltering day, and after about 15 minutes, I noticed he was visibly uncomfortable and sweating profusely. I waited another 10 minutes to see if he’d voice his discomfort. Nothing. Finally, I asked, “Are you okay? You look hot.” He admitted, “I am actually getting a headache. I’m really hot.” So, I suggested we find a place to grab a drink to cool down. He agreed.
At the bar, I asked him what he wanted to drink. His response? “I’ll have whatever you’re having.” NO. Just no. By this point, I was done. I had picked every walking direction, suggested sitting down, voiced his discomfort before he did, and now, he couldn’t even decide what he wanted to drink? This wasn’t about being picky or high-maintenance; it was about recognizing a pattern. A man who can’t choose his own drink or express his discomfort in the moment isn’t likely to step up in more significant areas of life. I’ve dated men like this before, and the dynamic is exhausting. They don’t want partners; they want caretakers.
When I shared this experience with my friends, they all called me crazy for reading so much into these “little” things. But here’s why these “little” things matter. If this man and I were to enter a relationship, this pattern would continue. We’d buy a house, and he’d let me pick it. I’d be the one choosing the furniture, deciding on the decor, and he'd let me paint every single wall green (because, of course). He’d leave every decision—big or small—to me. That’s not a partnership; that’s a dictatorship I didn’t ask to lead.
I want to be with someone who can balance the scales. Someone who takes initiative, makes decisions, and, yes, occasionally picks the walking route without turning it into a committee meeting. I’ve been with men who needed me to guide every aspect of their lives, and it’s exhausting. It’s not the life partner dynamic I’m looking for.
So, to the men out there who think being easy going means leaving all decisions to their date: take note. Decision-making is attractive. Leadership, even in small doses, is attractive. Taking charge, even if it’s just choosing what drink to order, shows confidence and initiative. And those qualities? They’re what keep me interested.
Ladies, if you find yourself always taking the reins, ask yourself: is this a partner or a passenger? Because I’ve learned the hard way—I can’t be with a passenger. I need someone who can steer the ship with me.
xoxo,
Alejandra